Why I Kept my Rape a Secret
Why I Kept my Rape a Secret… Until Today
Oh when you’re young and dumb- leaving your parents nest, bushy tailed and blind-eyed. That was me, 17yrs old and moving out on my own. Of course all my friends were in college and drinking, I was working… The legal drinking age for bars in my town is between 18yrs to 19yrs – I, like many, had a fake ID.
Yes, I can say I had many nights of fun clubbing … but that first night out, changed me forever… I blamed myself for years and that’s why I kept my rape a secret…
My rite of “clubbing” passage began in downtown Ottawa, Canada. I went to a known “under-ager” bar with my fake ID in-hand; they let me in without a blink. Not one for having dudes grind all over me on the dance floor, me and a few girls opted to dance on a ledge. Just behind us was a bouncer who definitely had his eye on me.
By the end of the night, he asked for my number. I couldn’t believe it, this super-hot, bulked-up man’s man wanted me!? No way! I’m from a small town, I’d never really dated or been randomly asked out, I felt so pretty in that moment. This guy chose me over every other vixen at his disposal. I left the club feeling like I was on cloud-nine.
I got home around 2am to no way- a call from this guy. He said he was finishing work soon and asked if I wanted to see him. Like duh! Of course I’d never say no to this hottie. I just got my own place, no parents, I’m like so adult now right… I was with my girlfriends in another apartment just up the street, so I rushed home to meet him (thinking we can grab a drink here and head over after…)
What a naïve, alone little girl I was… He came in, asked to sit on the couch with me and kept telling me to relax. I’m 5’2” and 90lbs soaking wet… I was like a flinging noddle trying to keep cool around this huge bouncer. That’s when it started; it’s all a haze. I remember him getting on top of me, this huge dark mass, me crying for him to stop- the sheer pain and shame. Even as I was being raped, I didn’t know what was happening. I just wanted him to leave and stop. He finished what he came to do and left me there, a bloodied, crying mess- not once looking back…
Everything my parents had raised me and warned me about in that moment came to a head; I failed them. I failed myself. I failed womankind. I was a to blame. That’s what I thought- that’s what the shitty society I live in enshrined in me to think and that’s why after I was brutally raped, I jumped in the shower for over 2 hours and vowed to never tell a soul (other than my roommate who witnessed the scene when she came home later…)
The piece of crap even called me the next day, to remind me how much I wanted it and asked for it. I remember just listening to him- pure fear. Would he hurt me again? No one will ever believe me now… It’s my word against his. Little did that asshole know, not only did he take away my innocence- he raped a fucking minor.
After that night, I didn’t have sex for years. He destroyed that kind of love from me… Even my roommate – my best friend at the time, told me “what did you expect, inviting him over at 2am?”- I agreed with her, I believed what many non-victims will never understand. Rape culture has deep roots and I for years felt tangled in them. I knew nothing else other than to shut-up and keep quiet. I should have never put myself in that situation.
But whoa now– wait a second… I said NO- I asked him to stop. I screamed and fought. I know my voice wasn’t heard that night but it can be heard now. The shame lies solely on him and the disgusting culture that’s taken over society and the justice system – that blaming girls for being raped is okay.
I’ve since learned to love and move past what happened to me. But the fear I have that one day, if I have a little girl, she could possibly have to live through the same terror as I did. Alone, with no support – knowing staying quiet is her only option… it all makes me sick. We as society need to wake up from this culture of manufactured fear that insists on protecting dangerous boys rather than their voiceless victims.
Stanford’s rape case brought back all my emotions. I am that girl, we all are that girl. I am so proud that she chose not to suffer in silence and that she chose to fight back. She chose to do it for all women who just weren’t strong enough. She is the example of strength that will deafen the cowards and help change laws- I know her story helped save me and other women, maybe even my own daughter someday.
I can only scream thanks to her- for speaking out and giving me the strength to speak out too. I finally, after 12years of struggle – no longer blame myself…
#standfordrape #speakup #speakout